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Talk:Sketch of Sin/@comment-1824169-20161009165720
This thing long as hell so I'mma just give my thoughts as I read through it. ---- *"who attempts to notify bystanders with her helpless echoes" So she didn't actually make any initial sound, just the echoes of a sound? Interesting power, but kind of abstract. Unless you're just trying to use semi-related fancy words to try and make this narrative sound deeper, in which case, please stop. *"bluntly" Okay *"stab her" Those words usually do not go together. As a matter of fact, a blunt thing is literally the opposite of a sharp thing that you would use to stab people with. Unless you're implying they stabbed her with a baseball bat. *"We called this tragedy Morningstar because even in the midst of darkness, a glimpse of hope and faith led us to rebuild ourselves." Please don't tell me the entire episode is going to feel this pretentious. *"He brushes his fur over it, attempting to hide this struggle of his." GOD DAMN IT *"A few years ago, I was a helpless little girl living in my daddy's arms." Kinky. *Credits Not really a fan. It's just text over a blank background that shifts hues occasionally. *"He wasn't that smartest apple on the birch" I'm really hoping this was intentionally bad. *"Ahsas: That's great." Do we have to follow this character? I get that she's seen some shit but already I don't like her. *"Rigged teeth" I don't think you know what "rigged" means. Unless you were trying to say "ridged" teeth, which are actually a thing. *"Zani: I'm gay." Nyes. *"The faint musty smell of nutmeg radiating from the thin, delicate pages." Why do moleskin notebooks smell like nutmeg? *"We're living in a time where a flower goes to fire instead of water." I'm honestly not sure whether I'm on drugs or you're on drugs but boy howdy are they working for one of us right now. *"With quick attentiveness, Denise faces Marge with eagerness and anticipation." Denise is best alien crab waifu confirmed. *"He angrily pushes her forward but refuses to hurt her. She was a woman after all, and even in this land of chaos, he maintained morals." I'm confused. Does this take place in the future or in the 50s? *"Spade: What, you afraid to hit a girl?" *"Scott tackles her down, smashing her head into the ground." *"Scott: Try me." Topkek *"Chandler: "The Art of Inner Peace: A Spiritual Guide?" Colbat nods, smiling. Colbat: "Written by Miguel Rivers." The idea of Miguel Rivers writing a book about inner peace is... (Mig began shaking, glancing at the floor; he sighed heavily, and reached his hands into his pockets; he pulled out a black pistol, stained with blood). Miranda: (fearfully) Put it down. Right now. Mig: (cocking it, aiming it forward) I won't put it down, not anymore. ...A bit silly to me. *"In the bell tower, Ahsas spots Scott and another man. She looks through the scope of the sniper rifle." >Sees Scott talking to random guy >Decides to shoot random guy Really making it hard for us to like this character mang. *"Corbus shoots Colbat's head down into the ground and rips off Colbat's backpack before turning to flee." God dammit, not one of the two or three characters I give a shit about! *"Call 'em Joseph. Always loved that name." *"Those steel beams..." Something something steel beams, something something jet fuel. *"BRAKKA! BRAKKA! BRAK'KA!" Why do people write sound effects like this. It hurts me physically. Also the formatting here is screwed up and the majority of the text is bolded, so you might want to take a look at that. *"It isn't the ash that is killing us, it's the dry air. There's probably very little moisture left." I lived in a desert for five years. If almost no moisture in the air could kill you, I'd be dead a million times over already. That's not how moisture/ash/the human body works. *"With staggering effort, Denise hoists a broken slab of granite." From Ben 10 Planet: "Cerebrocrustaceans can use their electrokinesis to telekinetically move objects" I feel like there was an easier solution to this. *"Denise pauses her task after the third bag, moving over to Marge's desk. She looks at the blueprint with wide, innocent eyes like a puppy." *"Thank you, Colbat...for everything." Thank you...Gyro... *"Barbara: I love you Shiloh, I really really do...but you're tearing me apart." ---- Okay, that's about all of my "reactions", so to speak. This is a good episode, but there are some parts that felt a bit off, and the sentence structure here can be cluttered and annoying to read. I'd recommend cutting back on the embellishment, as well as adding more line breaks into your paragraphs. You had a lot of walls of texts going on here. One issue that should be obvious from the get-go, seeing as how this is the longest page on the wiki if you have your facts straight, is that this thing is too god damn long. How much time do you seriously think people have to read fanfiction? So, what did I like about this? Well, the plot is good, some of the characters are endearing, and I can tell you've put a lot of effort into writing this. It's just hindered by a lot of awkward writing and being pretty dragged out.